Why Aliens Will Never Visit Earth

For my first attempt at a blog, I wanted to be serious for a few moments and dispell rumors that aliens have visited earth. I will hereby debunk every known theory, sighting, or close encounter and will explain explicitly why aliens will not bother to visit our tasty little orb.

First, the sightings of ufos. I group them all together into one universal group and vigorously contend that each of the known "sightings" can be reduced to one simple answer: flatulence.
Yep, that's right. We all know about it, most of us have it, and even more of us sort of actually enjoy its presence in our lives. It is a well documented scientific FACT that our own malodorous noise maker is highly flammable and that it floats upward at tremendous speeds. Actually, the speed of flatulence is inversely related to the number of people ABOUT to walk into the room where you were tooting your own horn. If 7 of your wife's closest friends are about to walk into the den where you thought you were alone, flatulence travels at about 2 feet per hour at best. But after that, it has been clocked upwards of 4300 miles per hour.

It is believed that the "FART" was documented well before the first alleged alien/ufo sighting. The match and fire was next, then the wheel. It only stands to reason that there were caveman ancestors of mine who saw the logical beauty of taking this new found fire and mixing it with their voluminous quantitys of caveman body gas. Cavemen had a largely sulphuric diet and the early days of our planet were more noxious than most realize. It wasn't meteors that killed the dinosaurs. It was the first pregnant cavelady who combined the sulphur based diet with being pregnant. Basically, that's all it took.

Now, why the aliens will never visit our planet: My dad loves to fart into his cell phone to "get me good". On those fine occassions where I answer with a basic "hello", and am met by the sound of a choking duck on the other end, I know that my dad is on the other end showing me how funny he really is. It wasn't funny enough that he named his two boys Cash and Carey. Nah, he has to call me up at the age of 67 and rip me a new earhole. And how, you may ask, will this keep aliens from visiting the earth? Simple.

As has been documented factually on numerous top rated websites, aliens obviously do exist. That has never been in question. As Stan Dare documented on www.aliensreallyexist.com, aliens really exist. However, they, like most of my redneck inlaws, choose to steal basic cable rather than pay for it. And where do they steal it? Right from those same multi-use satellites that transmist our cable/cell phone signals across our planet. And when my Dad fires one up, (and he rarely stops at just one) that noise gets broadcast right onto the television set of every
Xornquellian (well known dark planet) in the cosmos. Folks, this ain't rocket science. This is alien science. I gotta believe that those aliens up there bootlegging cable from our satellites are smart enough to know that the atmosphere of our planet smells of rotten eggs and ranch style beans.

So, in the name of interplanetary safety, let er' rip!

I dedicate this first blog posting to my wife, who will beat me senseless as I snicker about my "pregnant lady fart comment above. Pain is temporary, but a good laugh can last a while. Sorry, Katy. I have now blogged. You may resume your normal duties.