I Did It My Whey

So, I am going to try the Southbeach Diet with ice cream on top. I just had my annual physical and OUCH was that fun. I had listened to Tom Petty's "Full Moon Fever" on the way just to get psyched up for the physical review in front of me.

So, here is what I know. I am a chubby, happy guy. Unfortunately, they don't have a device that measures happy, so they only invented contraptions designed to point out your flaws and weaknesses. I may invent the "happy-ometer" to make sure to detect the appropriate level of happy in your blood. "Ahhhh, Mr. Matthews, I can see by your blood work that you have been listening to your old Steve Martin albums. Your cholestoral is 900 points over, but your happy reading was absolutely sterling!" Perhaps I shall patent this and sell it through my new ebay business.

I promised my doctor that I would quit eating ice cream, junior mints, and chocolate covered sugar bombs with super delite frosting. Delite does have the word lite in it which adds to the confusion. What he doesn't know is that I will quit eating them in that particular order and I will now "Delite" in junior mints, ice cream, and chocolate covered sugar bombs. I like it better that way, actually. Actually, now it may be time to truly deal with my weight issue. Too many people (strangers mostly) are rubbing my belly for good luck. It is a great way to meet people but I can't really see my feet at the moment and this girdle is killing me. When I take this thing off it is quite similar to the effect of breaking open a huge can of biscuits. Flaky Grand Puffs, go "POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAHHHHHHHHHH". So do I.

I fell down the stairs the other night. New shoes. They are a little wider than the old ones and I caught the heel on the edge of a stair and rolled over my ankle. Then I heard a pop! I was worried that my girdle had given way (monumental possible consequences) but alas, it was only my right ankle. The sound scared me as I was certain that I had broken my foot. So what followed shortly thereafter was old guy panic. I got nauseous, then passed out. I would make a lousy boxer. Actually, my wife said, "honey, you started sweating profusely, turned white as a sheet, THEN passed out." I mentioned to her that I always sweat that much due to the above mentioned chubbiness. Anyway, I took the next day off with my foot propped up and did nothing. I was very good at doing nothing.

A Section I LIKE TO CALL: UGGGGGGG!

My life-long favorite football team, The Indianapolis (Baltimore) Colts got beat by the San Diego Cheerleaders. I know, it is really "The Chargers" but their starting star QB and Running back were at the nacho stand when all the great plays actually happened. Thanks guys. You got beat on TV by the back ups. National TV. The best kind. You should have called me. I would have come had I known you weren't really into the game. What, did Jessica Simpson show up in Indy too?

Ok, Katy likes the Cowboys whom I refer to as "The Callous Dough Boys". Double Ugg. They were my back up plan. Go Brett Farvrvervewev. Or however you say it. Far Vray? Far Vuh?
Far Vreh? Sorry, I am an Okie and my pro nunts E a shun ain't so swell sum tym. Green Bay. That guy. Somebody beat those New Englanders.

Ok, I gotta go to sleep now. Lets summarize for those weaned on Cliff Notes:

Protein
Moon River
Biscuit Butt
Wrenched Ankle
Losers

Please leave glowing responses or I will give you details of the physical!