Obey Your Girth

I remember the day I got fat. It was near the end of the 11th grade as I sat in Mr. Reimers class contemplating his future as a history teacher. It seemed ironic to me at the time, but I digress as I do when I am tempted to discuss my health and well being. On this day, I had gorged at Long John Silvers and paid particular attention to the remainder of the crumblies and corn fritters left at the table. My grandma taught me to eat it all, so I did.



Towards the end of a fascinating history lesson, I looked down and could no longer see my belt buckle. Being from Oklahoma, the belt buckle was a major fashion accesory for the time, and I could not see mine. I felt awful. I leaned over to my friend Steve Tomlinson (Brilliant guy, thin, 4.0 average through high school, college, MBA and PHD) and said, "Steve, I am fat!". He replied, "I know!". Apparently, this had been something coming on for longer than I realized.



This began a life long struggle with being chubby. As a young child, I was so skinny it was scary. My parents took me to the doctor a lot to see what was wrong with me. I was a rail. My grandmother, Geraldine, could cook some quality fried food, and she saw fit to fix the problem that the doctors seemed to ignore. Fried meat. Fried potatoes. Fried Ice Cream. Fried Pie.



Today I weigh about 220 pounds and need to weigh less than 175. I have a small frame. I take medicine for high blood pressure and cholestoral. Those pills taste best when slathered in Cool Whip. I am not sure why I chose this life, but it seems to be a choice. Perhaps I am a victim of something and I am just awaiting my shot at a Talk Show where I can cry and have Richard Simmons spring out of the wings....mmmmmmm...Wings sound tasty right now! Sorry, where was I?



My wife is on her way home with hot dogs. She boils them in beer and I eat them with mustard and ketchup. Or is it catsup? We can address that controversy later. I know I should eat a bag of carrots, but the hot dogs won the position on the starting line up tonight. This is something I have to think about I think. I can't go on like this, but I seem to be stuck in the same old rut. I've done several diet things with some success, but when real life sets in, those old habits come back to comfort me.



Do other people struggle like this? I'm not sure I like being the fat funny guy. Funny is good, but the fat thing is getting old. I was so ashamed of being skinny. Is there a happy medium? Medium is how I like my steaks cooked, and usually with a baked potato and sour cream. Dang, can't even get through one paragraph without constant food triggers. I'm gonna go eat three of those delicious Nutri System entrees. That oughta make me skinny.



Ug.